Sometimes
by Luthien Luinwe
Summary: Teddy Lupin always had a rough time in school. From people labeling him as a freak to people blaming his godfather for family deaths, he was bullied relentlessly. With two close friends, he tries to navigate through his rough life. Not a happy story. Eventual Teddy / Victoire
1. Chapter 1

**Trigger Warning: Not a happy story. Bullying. Abusive Relationships. Self-Harm. Self-Destructive Behavior. Eating Disorder. Rape.**

 **"Sometimes I don't want to be better. Sometimes I can't be put back together. Sometimes I find it hard to believe there's someone else who could be just as messed up as me."**

Teddy remembered the first day of school vividly. It was supposed to be so happy, one of the most magical days of his life his grandmother and godfather had told him. But they hadn't told him about the train ride there. How no one wanted to ride in the same compartments as the blue-haired freak who was so different from the rest of the students there. He didn't even have Harry's kids to rely on. They wouldn't be coming to school for several years. He ended up sharing a compartment with some kid named Michael Wood. He remembered thinking Michael could have sat with anyone. His parents, after all, were the two famous Quidditch players Katie Bell-Wood and Oliver Wood. Anyone would have killed to sit with him, but he sat with Teddy because he seemed sad and lonely. At least that was nice.

The boat ride was amazing, he remembered. The lights on the small boats reflecting the dark water, illuminating the faces of terrified yet fascinated students... Who could forget that? He was so sick to his stomach with nerves when his name was called to be Sorted. He remembered seeing some dirty looks from other students. How could they dislike him already? They didn't even know him, after all. He wondered what House he'd be sorted into. His father was a Gryffindor, his mother a Hufflepuff, yet he'd been raised by a Slytherin. The Hat sat on his head for quite some time. He felt the stares of the other students, some curious looks, some hateful ones, some bored ones who just wanted to get on with the opening feast and get to bed... "Hufflepuff!" the hat announced finally. He was met with applause from a table surrounded by yellow and black, and made his way over, only to sit by himself near the edge.

It didn't surprise him at all that Michael was sorted into Gryffindor.

Eventually, the prefects called for first years to follow them. Teddy stood near the front, not wanting to get lost. He knew Hogwarts was a huge place. After all, his godfather had given him a map of the place, saying he deserved it since his father helped make it. But the map was in his trunk, which he was assured was now in his dormitory, and if he got lost surely he wouldn't be able to find his way back. He blinked in surprise when one of the Gryffindors bumped into him. "Lupin?" he questioned, cornering the eleven-year-old so he couldn't get away. Teddy blinked and looked up at the scary teenager whose eyes were full of nothing but hatred. "Of course you're him. Hard to miss a little freak like you."

"Why are you being so mean?" Teddy had asked in a small voice. Harry had always told him Hogwarts would be the greatest experience of his life, and that there was no place like it. No one had said anything about bullies in the school.

"Oh, I don't know," the Gryffindor sneered. "Maybe because your godfather's the reason my parents are dead." Teddy looked down at his feet. He'd heard about the war, and how a lot of people had died, but surely Harry hadn't caused all of those deaths on purpose. It was all some guy named Voldemort's fault, and it was the same Voldemort's fault that Teddy's parents had died when he was still a baby.

"Hey," Michael glared and stepped between Teddy and the Gryffindor. "Why don't you just back off?" Teddy forced a smile, and in that moment, he knew that at least Michael would always have his back.

* * *

He had been bullied mercilessly his first three years of school, for being a freak with weird abilities no one understood to being the godson of the person people believed responsible for hundreds of deaths to being the grandson of a Black, known for their cruelty, though Teddy knew Andromeda Black was absolutely the loveliest person in the world to be around. It wasn't long before he too began to blame Harry for the death of his parents. After all, if he'd just surrendered to Voldemort in the first place, his parents would have stayed home with him, where they belonged. Part of him blamed his parents too. Didn't they know they could have died? Didn't they know he needed them?

It was no surprise to anyone that he started attending parties in his third year, even though it had been generally accepted that anyone fourth year and under was to stay home. No one questioned it, though. If anything they could use and manipulate the kid. He was barely thirteen when he became so drunk he couldn't remember the party from the night before.

* * *

Teddy was fourteen when he attended a party in Gryffindor Tower. Michael had begrudgingly gone along with him, mostly to keep an eye on his friend. It was maybe an hour before the blue-haired boy was drunk off his arse. He remembered a pretty blonde Ravenclaw taking his hand a leading him upstairs. He remembered waking up in a strange room without his clothes on. He figured it was his own fault. He'd been drunk. He should have known better.

* * *

"I'm Jarred," a handsome Gryffindor prefect a year younger than Teddy introduced himself in Teddy's sixth year. "Nice to meet you."

"You too," Teddy smiled and leaned against the wall. He couldn't help but admire how attractive Jarred was, with curly blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a nice build. Jarred reminded Teddy of his best friend, though his best friend had brown hair and green eyes. He'd been questioning his sexuality for quite some time. Victoire was pretty, no one could deny that, and he found himself staring at her more than he should, but he was noticing boys too. Of course he didn't dare speak of this to any of his friends or family, out of fear of them turning on him too. He couldn't handle losing his only two friends, Michael and Vic, not when everyone else had turned against him.

The pair had chatted for quite a bit before finally Jarred had asked, "Hey. Going to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

"Think so, yeah," Teddy nodded. He had a few exams to study for, but he figured he could have fun too.

"Go together?"

"Sounds great," Teddy smiled, and despite a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, figured there was nothing wrong with having a little fun. After all, Jarred seemed nice enough. Maybe, just maybe, he found a new friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**"Darling, I forgive you. After all, anything is better than to be alone."**

"He's perfect, really," Teddy sat with his head in Michael's lap as the two studied up in Teddy's room. He'd gotten rather skilled at sneaking in his friends from other houses, not that anyone really cared anyway. Teddy needed someone to talk to, and as Michael and Victoire were the only ones that knew of his bisexuality, and as Victoire was off snogging some random Ravenclaw sixth-year, Teddy had cornered his best friend in the library and insisted they head to have a private conversation.

"I don't know, Teddy," Michael sighed. Jarred was a year younger than they were, and was a Gryffindor like Michael. Teddy loved how he looked at him, how his light brown eyes seemed to take in every detail of Teddy's body and mind each time Jarred looked at the metamorphmagus. So it was no wonder really that he wasn't that happy with Victoire and Michael's disapproval of the boy.

"Why not?" Teddy pouted and sat up, pushing his Transfiguration textbook to the side.

Michael sighed and leaned back on his elbows. "Don't you think it's a bit odd that he doesn't want to spend time with you in public?" Teddy started to open his mouth, but Michael put a hand up to silence him. "I mean think about it, really. I know you two don't want to be outed or whatever, even though I know none of your family is going to care, but he won't even acknowledge your presence."

"He doesn't want people to suspect anything," Teddy crossed his arms.

"And why would they suspect anything?" Michael raised an eyebrow. "I'm not saying you go around shoving your tongues down each other's throats, just like talk here and there. Or at least say hello in the corridors or something." Teddy rolled his eyes and stood up. "And where are you going?" Michael asked.

"To meet with my boyfriend," Teddy said more harshly than he intended to and left his room, leaving his friend standing with his mouth wide open. Of course it made sense that Jarred didn't want to be seen with Teddy in public. He was the school freak, after all. The one that no one liked. The one that had been sent to the headmistress McGonagall's office on more than one occasion after having been caught drunk, high, or both. Really no one in their right mind would want to be seen with him. _You're just a stupid freak,_ the tiny voice inside of his head told him. _Your lucky to have someone who wants you at all, really. Merlin only knows why anyone even puts up with you._ Teddy shook his head and made his way to the Astronomy Tower. He and Jarred had taken to meeting there when they knew no one else would be around. It wasn't as though they were doing anything inappropriate, kissing at most, after all Teddy wanted to take things slow. His last several relationships had ended in disaster after moving too quickly.

"About time," Jarred was leaning against the wall, looking more annoyed than Teddy had ever seen him. "What the hell took you so long?"

"Studying with Michael," Teddy shrugged and set his book bag down. He frowned when he thought he saw something flash in Jarred's eyes. "Something wrong?"

"I just don't like that you constantly hang around Wood and Weasley," Jarred said.

"Well considering you never seem to want to deal with me in public, who the hell else am I supposed to talk to?" Teddy demanded. Things happened too quickly for him to register. He remembered a stinging feeling across his cheek, and stumbling a bit to the side, but Jarred wouldn't hurt him. Jarred loved him, he always told him so. He wouldn't hurt Teddy... He glanced into his boyfriend's eyes, looking much like a kicked puppy.

"I'm sorry, Teddy," Jarred said gently and took Teddy's hands in his own. "I didn't mean to. I won't do it again."

"No, right," Teddy sighed and stared at the floor. "Sorry I snapped at you." He didn't lean into Jarred when he hugged him, as he normally would have. He was still trying to process what had happened.

"Just don't do it again, love," Jarred said gently, though Teddy thought he detected a hint of warning in Jarred's low, soft voice.

"I won't," Teddy sighed and shut his eyes. _You deserved it, you freak,_ he told himself. _And you're lucky to have him. No one else wants anything to do with you. You have to keep him happy so he doesn't leave you like your parents did. They probably hated you too._

"And stay away from Wood and Weasley," Jarred added "They're bad influences on you."

Teddy wanted to argue with him, to tell Jarred there was no way in hell he was going to just stop speaking to the only friends he had. _You have to keep him happy,_ the voice in the back of his head said. _He's the only one that's ever going to care._


	3. Chapter 3

**"And I just need enough of you to dull the pain, just to get me through the night til we're twins again."**

Jarred had been true to his promise; he hadn't laid an angry hand on Teddy in days. He seemed to be genuinely sorry as well, even going as far as to introduce Teddy to his friends, and to let him, on occasion, sit with him in the Great Hall, though never when there was a large crowd about, and of course, he only introduced Teddy as a friend, not a boyfriend. Teddy understood that. Jarred didn't want to be outed, not yet, and Teddy didn't really want to be either. A part of his mind knew that his family and friends wouldn't care, but he always had that small voice in the back of his head telling him otherwise. _They'd hate you, you freak,_ he said as he sat down and worked on his Transfiguration homework, at least that was a subject that seemed to come naturally to him, something he was at least good at. _And then you'd lose what few people you had. No wonder your parents left you._

He shook his head, trying to clear it, but the inner voice always won in the end. "Any parties tonight?" he found himself asking a fellow Hufflepuff.

"Ravenclaw party, I heard," the boy replied. Teddy nodded and headed to his dormitory to get changed. _Jarred's right,_ he thought as he looked at himself in the mirror. _You could stand to lose some weight._ He was on the Quidditch team, fit, and by no means large, but Jarred had always commented upon his weight, that he'd be so much more attractive if he were skinnier... He changed into a t-shirt and jeans before heading up to the party.

"Teddy!" Michael exclaimed and looped an arm around his friend's shoulders. He'd been drinking already, apparently the party had been going on for awhile by the time Teddy had arrived. "Thought you weren't coming," he grinned.

"You know me," Teddy grabbed a drink. "Never one to turn down a party." He'd gotten into trouble from a young age: drinking, drugs, if someone offered it he tried it. He'd try anything to get the small voice in the back of his head to shut up. "Vic here?" he asked, looking out for the blonde.

"Nope," Michael sat down and propped his feet up on a table. Ravenclaw parties were notoriously quiet, nothing like the wild Gryffindor ones. "Something about studying for a Potions exam."

"Fuck Potions," Teddy sat next to him and draped his legs over his friend's. He watched Jarred from across the room. His boyfriend was chatting with a few of his housemates, probably commenting about how un-exciting the party was. Teddy finished his drink and got another.

"You getting drunk tonight?" Michael followed his friend, not wanting him to fall and hurt himself, as Teddy was so prone to do.

"Always," Teddy quickly downed two more. He smiled when he felt his head start to fog up, when the world started spinning a bit.

"Swear you have a problem," Michael rolled his eyes, but got another drink himself. Teddy rolled his eyes. Michael had looked after him since their first year, had been his protector and his best friend. And had also ratted him out to Harry and his grandmother when Teddy got into a bit too much trouble. He'd been the one to write to them when he noticed criss-crossed scars on his friends arms, something Teddy quickly became better at hiding, once he'd really grasped more of the whole Metamorphmagus thing. The last thing he needed was the person responsible for his parents' deaths lecturing him about well-being and insisting he needed help.

"I'm fine," Teddy insisted and draped an arm over Michael's shoulders, much as his friend had done earlier.

He wasn't sure how it had happened, but later in the party Teddy had lost track of Michael. "Michael?" he asked when he felt someone grab his arm and lead him out of the Common Room.

"Not Michael," he heard a familiar voice say. Teddy smiled when he saw Jarred leading him away from the crowd, but frowned when he saw they were headed up to a room.

"Jarred?" he asked, but was cut off when his boyfriend shut the door behind them and kissed him. Caught unaware, Teddy kissed him back. He'd always loved kissing Jarred. His lips were so soft and inviting. He frowned, though, when Jarred pinned him to the wall. "What are you doing?" he asked when Jarred finally broke the kiss.

"It's okay," Jarred soothed and ran his hands down to Teddy's hips, sliding his hands under his shirt.

"I told you I don't want to do this," Teddy tried to push him away, but the Fifth Year was stronger than he was.

"Come on, Teddy," Jarred kissed his neck. Teddy shut his eyes and let out an involuntary moan. "Don't you love me?"

"Of course I love you..." Teddy tried to add a 'but,' but gasped when Jarred bit down on a particularly sensitive spot of his neck.

"Then don't worry," Jarred said against his skin before pulling Teddy's shirt off. "You'll love me more after." Teddy shut his eyes tightly. He didn't want to be with Jarred, not in that way, not yet, but what could he do? And besides, that was what couples did. _You're lucky someone wants you,_ the voice in his head said. _Merlin knows no one else ever will._


	4. Chapter 4

**"The only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that I don't know I'm having another episode. I just need a stronger dose."**

Teddy had left quickly, not wanting to be seen by anyone, no, he couldn't have anyone talking about it. That would just upset Jarred, and if word got back to Teddy's family that he was seeing a boy... No, he couldn't think about that. He just needed to get out, to breathe, to try and forget about what had just happened to him...

 _Nothing happened,_ the voice inside his head told him. _That's what couples are supposed to do. Not like you haven't been with your fair share of boys or girls anyway._ "Just shut up!" Teddy shouted into the empty corridor, or at least what appeared to be an empty corridor. He felt sick to his stomach when he saw a familiar figure walking toward him, a concerned expression on her pale, flawless face.

"Teddy?" Victoire asked softly as she approached him, tucking a long strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Teddy lied quickly, even though he knew it was no use lying to her. They'd grown up together, crossed so many important milestones together, she had cried when he went off to Hogwarts, wanting to know why she couldn't go with her best friend... She knew him too well for Teddy to lie to her like that. He sighted when he saw her cross her arms, knowing she had him. "Just a bad party," he shrugged, at least that was half-true.

"And Jarred was involved, I'm guessing?" Victoire raised an eyebrow. Teddy sighed and stared at the floor. Vic had made her dislike for his boyfriend known, and was always giving Teddy a hard way to go about it. _He's the best you can do, though,_ Teddy thought. _He's the only one that's ever going to want you._ "Come on," she sighed and lay a gentle hand on his arm. "I'll walk you back to your common room."

"Thanks," Teddy sighed and leaned against her side.

Victoire was adamant about staying with Teddy through the night, even if that meant the pair of them would end up sleeping in the Common Room and potentially getting into trouble with their heads of house. Teddy knew that Vic would take the fall for him, though. He just wasn't sure if he'd let her. "I told you he's bad news, Teddy," she sighed and sat with him.

Teddy closed his eyes and rested his head on her shoulder. He'd always been lenient with personal space, and was glad that neither Michael nor Vic seemed to mind. _They'll get sick of it eventually,_ he shut his eyes tighter. "Can you please not insult him?" he asked in a small voice.

"Not when I know he had something to do with this," Vic shook her head furiously.

"It's seriously not a big deal," Teddy tried to insist. "Just some stupid fight." Vic huffed, but let it drop, She summoned a blanket and draped it around Teddy's shoulders.

"Let me see your arms," Victoire said gently but firmly. Teddy tried to protest, but she'd pushed his sleeve up before he could change his appearance, revealing several newer cuts, bright red lines criss-crossing through his skin. "I thought you quit," she sighed.

"I'm trying," Teddy lied and hugged a knee to his chest. _If you make yourself smaller, you'll disappear,_ he thought. _And then no one can ever hurt you again._ "It just makes things easier to deal with, okay?" he looked into her blue eyes, filled with concern for him. _It's all fake. She doesn't care about you. The only one that ever will is Jarred, and you've already upset him enough._

"You need to end it with him," she sighed and played with Teddy's hair, once a bright blue, now he was lucky to get any color on it at all.

"I can't," Teddy sighed and hugged himself tightly. He knew her eyebrow was raised before he even looked over. "You don't understand," he said in a tone that ended the conversation.


	5. Chapter 5

**Trigger warning. Self-harm**

 **"Fly over me, evil angel. Why can't I breathe, evil angel?"**

He had found it by complete and total accident. He needed an empty room, somewhere to breathe, somewhere to act like Jarred hadn't hurt him again. The first time had been an accident, the Gryffindor had said. He was drunk. He couldn't control himself, and honesty he didn't understand why Teddy was so upset about it. After all, Teddy had been drunk too... The second time, they were sober, and Teddy had been scared, and he had tried to get Jarred to just stop, but he wouldn't. And he wanted to leave Jarred, to get far, far away. But he couldn't, not unless he wanted Jarred to out him to everyone... And besides, Jarred's words echoed in Teddy's head. _'I'm the only one who is ever going to love you.'_

He ran into the first empty room he found, not caring what it was used for, not even caring if he should be there or not. And why would it matter? He'd already gotten in trouble with too many professors to count. His grades were slipping. Hell, his mind was slipping. And when he saw that mirror, that damned mirror that showed him his parents, that damned mirror he spent hours wasting away in front of, it was like he could breathe again, like everything would be okay, like he still had something that belonged to him that Jarred couldn't touch, couldn't destroy at the drop of a hat.

He had missed days of class when McGonagall had found him. She hadn't yelled, hadn't even been disappointed. She had just put a pitying hand on his shoulder and escorted him back to his dormitory. And the next day, the mirror was gone.

"No, no, no," Teddy shook his head furiously. He had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. His hands were shaking. He needed the mirror. He needed something that was his. He needed something that would make everything in his head stop for a minute, just a minute, something to make the pain go away. And so when some Ravenclaw kid slipped him something to 'calm his nerves,' Teddy hadn't thought anything of it. It wasn't like he was going to make a habit out of taking things, or anything. He just needed something to get through the night, so that he could make it to the next day, and another night after that...

"You have to tell someone," Victoire crossed her arms. Teddy had gone to her after another nasty fight with Jarred, one that had left him with several nasty bruises. He'd tried changing his appearance to hide them, but he couldn't. He winced when she ghosted a finger across one of the bruises.

"It's fine, Vic," he tried to argue. She just shook her head and went back to covering him up. "He doesn't mean to do it..."

"And that's what you keep saying!" Vic shouted, more in exasperation and anger at Jarred than at Teddy. "But he keeps doing it, Teddy. And he's going to keep doing it!"

"Only when I deserve it," Teddy defended. He'd made Jarred mad...

"What could you have possibly done to deserve this?" Vic asked desperately. Teddy just shook his head and left.

He used to care about his grades. But when Flitwick passed back a Charms assignment he had done poorly on, it didn't even phase him. After all, he didn't have time to study as much anymore. Time studying wasn't time spent with Jarred, and he had to spend more time with Jarred so Jarred would be happier with him. It was one of the few things he had control over.

"Dammit," Teddy swore when he accidentally cut his finger on his roll of parchment, though the pain slowly shifted to wonder, watching the crimson blood bead and pool along his fair skin. _'What's one more little secret?'_ he asked himself.


	6. Chapter 6

**And it's not a cry you can hear at night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold, and it's a broken hallelujah.**

"You have to break up with him," Vic said as she played with Teddy's hair. He had come to her in a panic, after a nastier encounter with his boyfriend. _Tormentor is more the right word,_ he thought. "And you need to tell someone."

"It's not that simple, Vic," Teddy sighed and shut his eyes tightly. He couldn't make Jarred mad. It was his fault Jarred was always mad in the first place. If he were a better boyfriend... If he said the right things... If he had just stayed away from people that Jarred didn't like...

"Why isn't it, then?" Vic demanded and abruptly stopped playing with his hair. "For fuck's sake, Teddy, take a look at yourself!" she frowned when she saw her friend flinch. "I'm sorry," she sighed.

Teddy just shook his head. "It's fine," he said in a small voice.

"It's not fine," Vic sighed and ran a hand through her long, blonde hair. "I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry." Teddy carefully sat up and pulled a knee to his chest. "I'm just really worried about you, okay?"

"Don't be," Teddy said. "I'm fine."

Vic raised an eyebrow at that. "You aren't eating. You look like you're barely sleeping. Hell, Michael says he hasn't talked to you in weeks..."

"Do you mind not cataloguing everything?" Teddy sighed deeply and stared at the ceiling. "Merlin, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

 _Deep breaths. In and out. Calm down. You're fine. It's just a little blood. You're okay._ Teddy stared at himself in the mirror. He was paler than death with dark circles under his eyes. He had been trying to hide it with his Metamorphmagus abilities, but was struggling more and more each day. He glanced at his torso, a bruise starting to form over other half-healed injuries. _You can do this._ He glanced at his arms, covered in scars, mostly self-inflicted, and thanked Merlin the school uniform involved long sleeves. _You can do this._

He stepped outside the bathroom and headed down the hall, up the staircase, and to the corridor where he was to meet Jarred. _You can do this. Be strong. You can do this._

Jarred smirked when he saw Teddy approaching. "About damn time, Lupin," he said. "I've been waiting for ages."

"I know," Teddy sighed. "I'm sorry." He winced when Jarred grabbed him by the wrist.

"Come on, then," Jarred said. "Let's get on with it." He started to lead Teddy into an empty classroom. Teddy tried to pull his wrist away, only for Jarred to pull harder. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded.

"Jarred," Teddy stuttered out. "I-I can't..."

Jarred smirked and watched the blue-haired teen. "Now I know you aren't trying to break up with me." Teddy just looked up at him, only to be met with a harsh backhand to his face. "Because if you were to do that, well..." his smirk broadened. "I'd just have to out you to everyone in the school. And then what would your stupid little friends think? What would your grandmother and godfather think?" Teddy shut his eyes tightly. He was shaking. "They'd know the truth, just like I do. You're just a pathetic, little freak. And deep, deep down, you know things are never going to be better for you."

Teddy tried to ignore him, tried to tell himself Jarred was lying. _But you don't know that,_ his mind told him. _They could hate you. And then you wouldn't have anyone..._ He kept struggling as Jarred pulled him into the classroom and just stared blankly at the newly-forming bruises on his skin.


End file.
